I imagine in most blogs this would be a fairly easy question to answer. I’d tell you my name and a little bit about who I am, what I do and what I want this blog to be. But for me this question is harder to answer.

You see for 25 years I would have given you a completely incorrect response. I’d have given you a different name, told you that I was male, I probably wouldn’t have thought to mention sexuality (though if you had pressed me on it I would have claimed to be straight) and I would probably have mentioned some nerdy hobbies and maybe made some self deprecating jokes.

About 2 and a half years ago, in December of 2016, that all changed. By chance I happened to be in my families living room while my sister was watching a documentary about trans kids (Kids on the Edge, Episode 1 The Gender Clinic. I do not know how it holds up today). I sat, transfixed, as the young girl on the show told everyone about how it felt to be trans. To know that even though everyone told you that you were a boy that you were really a girl. And as she told everyone how that felt I sat in silence as every single point struck home.

I spent the next three months researching. I can’t even begin to count how many articles I read or youtube videos I watched about how to tell if you’re trans, then about what being trans meant and eventually how transition worked.

Those 3 months were full of me doubting myself. Constantly wondering if I was really trans. Being a guy was working fine right? I mean sure I’d spent most of my life wishing that I would wake up as a girl with no one remembering I’d ever been a boy and sure I was pretty positive I’d been living my life with constant mild depression and sure all these other trans women seemed to have similar stories to mine. But I couldn’t be trans. Not me right?

The really solid moment of realisation came when I saw the most generic of posts. It’s the one I see being used a lot for people who are questioning. “If there was a button in front of you that, when pressed, would completely transform you into a woman with no repercussions, no judgement … would you press it?” I mean, yes obviously, I thought to myself. “Yeah you’re trans.” I’m not saying this is a surefire way of deciding if you are trans. But I will say that for me this was exactly what I needed to hear.

After that moment I plucked up the courage to go to my doctor. I printed out a letter with what I wanted to say, in case I got in there and froze, which was a very real concern thanks to my social anxiety, and the NHS’s document on what doctors need to do for trans patients and went to my appointment. I managed to make it through without resorting to reading, or giving, the doctor my letter and she immediately went on the computer and found the document I had printed (although I would still advise any trans people to print out both these things just to be on the safe side) I left that appointment with a referral to the GIC (the gender identity clinic) and was truly happy. I’d made the first genuine step, for me, in transitioning.

2 months later I decided I couldn’t wait for the 1 and a half years for my first appointment at the GIC, followed by a 6 month wait for the second one where I would finally be given a prescription for hormones. I knew I was trans but now I had to wait an excruciating amount of time only to have to prove it to two doctors. I guess I could have started socially transitioning but I was a scared trans girl who was worried that the moment she put on a dress society would band together to laugh. Luckily in my research I had come across a variety of private doctors who were willing to provide bridging hormones (typically a lower dosage given to patients while they wait for the specialists to take over) seeing as getting your own GP to provide this, something they can totally do, is next to unheard of. I was also in the very lucky position of having money that I could afford to spend on this, something which not all trans people can do.

I had my phone interview with the private doctors psychologist. It was terrifying. So far no one had really sat down and said “I’m going to see if you’re REALLY trans” but that was exactly what I thought the call would be. I answered her questions honestly and at the end of the call when she told me there were no problems and she’d be happy to give the doctor the go ahead my heart skipped a beat. If you aren’t transgender you can not begin to imagine how amazing it is to have someone say “yep all good you’re trans” that first time. You spend ages agonizing over what you’ll do if they say no, how you’ll sign up for a different service or beg your GP to give you hormones but suddenly you’re accepted. This feeling is topped (or was for me) when I put on my first oestrogen patch and took my first anti androgen.

Since those first days I’ve gone through lots of processes, picking a name, finding the courage to present female full time, I’ve had lots of feelings, loneliness, joy, fear, I’ve experienced transphobia and also total acceptance and I will get to all of that in the various blog posts I’ll be doing. But for now I will leave you by answering my first question.

My name is Ellie, I am a 27 year old woman and I am transgender.

Yes I took this in a bathroom